Warm Jam

I had a hernia op on Thursday morning, and it’s taken a little longer than I expected to get well enough to post an update. Tore it back in September moving boxes for a house move, though it only presented in October, and only got to seeing my G.P. in December (in case he’d tell me not to go see Sick Of It All, you see?). All that taken into consideration, from a referral around mid December to treatment in early March is a pretty good turnaround – I was able to capitalise on someone else cancelling by taking a short notice appointment (I was offered the Thursday the immediately preceding Monday)!

Onto the ward at 07:30, second on the list, out of theatre by noon. I now have a 10×15cm Prolene mesh patch in my crotch for theoretically the remainder of my existence, that is assuming no infections or complications necessitating its removal!

Gratuitous scar pic, click to enlarge:

I have to add that the poor shaving job was their doing, not my own. Sidenote: if that’s ever your job, please, just shave a little bit further so there’s room to apply a dressing without adhering it to my pubic hair.

Wasn’t supposed to be walking for a couple of days, so the stomach bug I picked up there that had me running for the lavatory every ten minutes all Friday was even more unwelcome than it would have been under otherwise healthy circumstances. Add my name to the decriers of hospital cuisine.

Now I’ve only got the wound itself to deal with, I’m much happier, and eagerly awaiting regained mobility. I guess I’m going to have to take it very easy for a fortnight or so, and exercise and “strenuous activities” are supposedly out for six weeks. By that point I may start pushing my luck, so I’ll take things as gently as I can for as long as I can to minimise any negative impact later.
The wound itself basically feels like a particularly deep burn, and bending my leg illicits an upscaled but similar sort of pain to flexing a finger after scalding it on the grill. It’s unpleasant, but manageable – “taking it easy” is by far the most burdensome part of healing. Blue skies and cool breezes outside aren’t making this any easier, it’s perfect running weather. So so pretty. I want to be outside! I want to at least be in the workshop with the doors wide open!

Convalescence is not a favoured activity.

Comments(2)

The Independant’s website has kindly provided this list – “The Ten Best Sex Toys” – and yes, it’s a photo story.

Now, quite aside from the fact that I LOVE this sort of list (listing the top ten of anything is a stalwart of pub conversation – definitely in my top ten, guess the other nine?) I’m enamoured that it’s turned up in my favourite broadsheet. Even if it’s no longer in broad format and in fact is only on the website. The world is progressing! Respectable newspapers review dildos!

(Aside: Broadsheets dropping to tabloid scale is one of the great triumphs of common sense in publishing, can you even get ‘proper’ size papers any more? Will The Sun ever go up, just to be different, and to provide larger breasts?)

So, by far the best thing to do with other peoples’ lists is tear them apart. I’ll start with that paddle, since it’s as tacky as anything Anne Summers has to offer, and it would be remiss to let that lie. My favourite though is the hot & cold dildo. WHO PAINTED THAT?! Adele Brydges, you are an odd soul indeed, and Coco De Mer… you usually know better, I thought I knew you – it looks like granny’s crockery for crying out loud.

I don’t want a dildo that looks like a fucking teacup! (Which is essentially what it is, in fact). Honestly, who took such a lovely concept and executed it as some sort of 1940s ceramic test tube?
Incidentally, you know how frustrating it is waiting for your tea to cool down enough to drink? This could really compound that. Do NOT use fresh from the kettle, no no nononono. No. And the cork is a terrible idea, because the second that pops, there’ll be euphemisms and innuendo everywhere. Also, a mammoth wet patch and scalds down your thighs.

If you were to actually fill it with tea, would you drink it afterwards? Oh, say you would. You should. It’s only polite. Plus, usually you dunk things in tea, but now? It’s tea’s turn to do the dunking! Oh yes!

Wanting to complement your tea-party twat-pleaser? A quick supplementary Google reveals that there’s a matching buttplug available for £79. I hope the buttplug’s solid, the sphincter’s a powerful muscle and the idea of one generous spasm snapping the thing at the neck is too unpleasant to contemplate. There’s glaze everywhere!! You weren’t there, man.

So, then, to nominate a few for my own list:

• floggers
• canes
• clamps
• gags
• lots and lots of rope!

Post your own in the comments!

Comments(0)

Hell yes. I was really pretty shocked how easy this was to buy – I was just asked to write my name & address on a pad, which was then not checked. I think, of all the ridiculous things I’ve handled for work and for fun, this is as nervous as I’ve yet been about using one. That list includes cyanide, three-phase, human tissue, shark hooks and vacuum blood sampling kits.

Oh, oh yes, you’ll be wanting to know what it’s for.

It’ll be for hiding the bodies anodising aluminium parts. For instance, the buttplug and the cane top showcased in my first post here are both aluminium. Anodising will not only make them resistant to dulling, scratching and corroding, but will allow me to dye them ridiculous colours (as well as tasteful ones). This will work best illustrated, to which end I present these poorly edited, hastily prepared photoshopped images:

Comments(0)

Apologies to the one or two of you using RSS to follow & may have had about 5 random posts pop up – I’ve been playing!

Short version: Though there’s nothing there yet, the “moblog” tab at the top of the page (and the moblog category link in the sidebar) will bring up photos I’ll be uploading from my phone. If I see an OAP walk into a lampost, a chav hit by a car, or a vaguely phallic cloud formation… it now has a place.

Long version: After much dicking around, I’ve finally got mobile blogging via the Postie plug-in. I don’t really plan to sit on trains tapping away, furiously composing posts in T9, but thought a photo stream would be cute! Moblog.net wanted to charge £5/mo or £25/yr to use my own URL and, frankly, that can go to hell.
WordPress’s own “post by email” script refused to work – possibly because I couldn’t specify SSL – and even Postie misbehaved initially, but with a lot of Googling and a few “D’oh!” moments passed, it’s up and running! Still waiting for an excuse to see if the cron job throws up any issues, but if so that can be circumvented.

Add in a category filter and a conditional tag, so as not to break up the rest of the blog, and it now has its very own tab! I’m quite pleased.

(edit: Working, and populated!)

Comments(2)

“[A] euphemism for the extraction of cryptographic secrets (e.g. the password to an encrypted file)”

A new term! I like this one. Like regular social engineering, but with a cruder toolkit.

(from wikipedia):

“…the rubber-hose technique of cryptanalysis. (in which a rubber hose is applied forcefully and frequently to the soles of the feet until the key to the cryptosystem is discovered, a process that can take a surprisingly short time and is quite computationally inexpensive)”

So please, take your shoes off & make yourself uncomfortable.

Comments(2)

An afternoon spent in hospital a few days back yielded these – no expense spared getting them to you, from the £18 for the disc to the fellow I had to hit hard enough to bruise the bone (we all thought it was a fracture…)

The disc, by the way – I’m not going to complain about the £18, but why oh why is there a proprietary viewer on there? Why can’t there just be two jpg image files? Especially when the program won’t run under Vista. This is a pretty geeky home, and we have four different operating systems covered between us, but that would NOT have been funny under any other circumstance.

Stage two: get them printed big enough to get up on the wall! I’m thinking A3, how about you?

Comments(2)

Custom cupcake jewellery. Solid 21mm lemonwood plugs, with zebrano & purpleheart inlaid, and acrylic cherries!

Lots of work, but people love cake.

Comments(4)

Time to get the ball rolling – the theme’s ready, the colours are set, time to go!

Welcome to the first post at Warm Jam. I’m Chris, or more often Toast online, and I make things. I make body jewellery, walking canes and sex toys for fun & profit, and in my own time I thoroughly enjoy cooking, carpentry, drawing & painting, and am just getting back into digging around in amateurish HTML, all of which will doubtless get mentioned plenty here over the life of the blog.

Say you’ll be back?

Comments(3)