Warm Jam

The Independant’s website has kindly provided this list – “The Ten Best Sex Toys” – and yes, it’s a photo story.

Now, quite aside from the fact that I LOVE this sort of list (listing the top ten of anything is a stalwart of pub conversation – definitely in my top ten, guess the other nine?) I’m enamoured that it’s turned up in my favourite broadsheet. Even if it’s no longer in broad format and in fact is only on the website. The world is progressing! Respectable newspapers review dildos!

(Aside: Broadsheets dropping to tabloid scale is one of the great triumphs of common sense in publishing, can you even get ‘proper’ size papers any more? Will The Sun ever go up, just to be different, and to provide larger breasts?)

So, by far the best thing to do with other peoples’ lists is tear them apart. I’ll start with that paddle, since it’s as tacky as anything Anne Summers has to offer, and it would be remiss to let that lie. My favourite though is the hot & cold dildo. WHO PAINTED THAT?! Adele Brydges, you are an odd soul indeed, and Coco De Mer… you usually know better, I thought I knew you – it looks like granny’s crockery for crying out loud.

I don’t want a dildo that looks like a fucking teacup! (Which is essentially what it is, in fact). Honestly, who took such a lovely concept and executed it as some sort of 1940s ceramic test tube?
Incidentally, you know how frustrating it is waiting for your tea to cool down enough to drink? This could really compound that. Do NOT use fresh from the kettle, no no nononono. No. And the cork is a terrible idea, because the second that pops, there’ll be euphemisms and innuendo everywhere. Also, a mammoth wet patch and scalds down your thighs.

If you were to actually fill it with tea, would you drink it afterwards? Oh, say you would. You should. It’s only polite. Plus, usually you dunk things in tea, but now? It’s tea’s turn to do the dunking! Oh yes!

Wanting to complement your tea-party twat-pleaser? A quick supplementary Google reveals that there’s a matching buttplug available for £79. I hope the buttplug’s solid, the sphincter’s a powerful muscle and the idea of one generous spasm snapping the thing at the neck is too unpleasant to contemplate. There’s glaze everywhere!! You weren’t there, man.

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Hell yes. I was really pretty shocked how easy this was to buy – I was just asked to write my name & address on a pad, which was then not checked. I think, of all the ridiculous things I’ve handled for work and for fun, this is as nervous as I’ve yet been about using one. That list includes cyanide, three-phase, human tissue, shark hooks and vacuum blood sampling kits.

Oh, oh yes, you’ll be wanting to know what it’s for.

It’ll be for hiding the bodies anodising aluminium parts. For instance, the buttplug and the cane top showcased in my first post here are both aluminium. Anodising will not only make them resistant to dulling, scratching and corroding, but will allow me to dye them ridiculous colours (as well as tasteful ones). This will work best illustrated, to which end I present these poorly edited, hastily prepared photoshopped images:

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