The Register brings to attention their “Battle For Britain” campaign, complete with Spitfire poster.

“The British National Party has pulled off a bit of a blinder by fronting an anti-immigration campaign with a poster featuring a Spitfire belonging to 303 Squadron of the RAF – the “most effective Polish squadron during the Second World War”, as the Telegraph puts it.”

How good is that?!

To say I have a strong distaste for Sony would be an understatement.

• They’ve included viruses on their CDs (See the Wikipedia article), to which their response was (and this is a genuine quote) “Most people, I think, don’t even know what a rootkit is, so why should they care about it?”
• Then, the uninstaller created “a far greater security risk than even the original Sony rootkit“.
• Their SonicStage and Connect MP3 player software is terrible, despite the premium costs of the players.
• They were the focus of a class action lawsuit when their PS2 lasers were shit.
• They were sued, and ultimately removed feedback rumbling from PS3 controllers, since the whole technology was ripped off from Immersion with niether payment nor even acknowledgement.
• Then there’s their suing Lik Sang into oblivion for daring to legally buy their products wholesale in Japan and sell them on to Western consumers, because it circumvented their region encoding & price hiking.
• They’ve consistently tried to introduce proprietary formats with no place in the market – Betamax, Minidisc, and UMD.
• Most spectacularly, they’ve manufactured laptop batteries for Dell, HP, Lenovo and Apple which have exploded with flames reaching six foot plumes.
• Most recently they’re bitching about the Change4Life campaign using a Playstation controller in their attempts to get kids off their sofas from time to time and get some fresh air.

So, if anybody would like to kidnap any more Sony execs under any thin veil of industrial action, or just recreationally, you have my blessings. That said, I won’t be purchasing any fresh VHS tapes, solidarity or none…

Now, quite aside from the fact that I LOVE this sort of list (listing the top ten of anything is a stalwart of pub conversation – definitely in my top ten, guess the other nine?) I’m enamoured that it’s turned up in my favourite broadsheet. Even if it’s no longer in broad format and in fact is only on the website. The world is progressing! Respectable newspapers review dildos!

(Aside: Broadsheets dropping to tabloid scale is one of the great triumphs of common sense in publishing, can you even get ‘proper’ size papers any more? Will The Sun ever go up, just to be different, and to provide larger breasts?)

So, by far the best thing to do with other peoples’ lists is tear them apart. I’ll start with that paddle, since it’s as tacky as anything Anne Summers has to offer, and it would be remiss to let that lie. My favourite though is the hot & cold dildo. WHO PAINTED THAT?! Adele Brydges, you are an odd soul indeed, and Coco De Mer… you usually know better, I thought I knew you – it looks like granny’s crockery for crying out loud.

I don’t want a dildo that looks like a fucking teacup! (Which is essentially what it is, in fact). Honestly, who took such a lovely concept and executed it as some sort of 1940s ceramic test tube?
Incidentally, you know how frustrating it is waiting for your tea to cool down enough to drink? This could really compound that. Do NOT use fresh from the kettle, no no nononono. No. And the cork is a terrible idea, because the second that pops, there’ll be euphemisms and innuendo everywhere. Also, a mammoth wet patch and scalds down your thighs.

If you were to actually fill it with tea, would you drink it afterwards? Oh, say you would. You should. It’s only polite. Plus, usually you dunk things in tea, but now? It’s tea’s turn to do the dunking! Oh yes!

Wanting to complement your tea-party twat-pleaser? A quick supplementary Google reveals that there’s a matching buttplug available for £79. I hope the buttplug’s solid, the sphincter’s a powerful muscle and the idea of one generous spasm snapping the thing at the neck is too unpleasant to contemplate. There’s glaze everywhere!! You weren’t there, man.

So, then, to nominate a few for my own list:

• floggers
• canes
• clamps
• gags
• lots and lots of rope!

Post your own in the comments!

A new term! I like this one. Like regular social engineering, but with a cruder toolkit.

(from wikipedia):

“…the rubber-hose technique of cryptanalysis. (in which a rubber hose is applied forcefully and frequently to the soles of the feet until the key to the cryptosystem is discovered, a process that can take a surprisingly short time and is quite computationally inexpensive)”

So please, take your shoes off & make yourself uncomfortable.